This morning I’m going to let the words flow and see where they take me. I’m overwhelmed, overwhelmed with sorrow, and I don’t understand why. No, I understand why. It’s depression in its finest form. I’ve been told I do well with writing down things in order to understand them so that’s what I’m going to attempt by giving you a glimpse into my life with depression.
First, let me reassure you I am under the care of a doctor and am on medication to help me cope with this disorder, Sometimes though, it gets the best of me like it has for the past few days. I feel, today, like I have ants running around in my head. They’re fire ants so each time they bite I want to stop and scratch, but because they’re inside my head, I can’t. So, each nibble hurts and doesn’t stop hurting. It’s hard to explain the feeling to someone who has never experienced it, but this is the pain that’s been in my head for the last few days. One side of me is saying I can’t cope with this by myself, and the other is saying that being by myself is the way to go. So, I have a war going on inside of my head–not the way I wanted to start my day if I was being honest.
I do know God is with me. I know He is holding me and won’t let go. I have a strong faith that I’m not renouncing or denying just because I struggle with depression. Some Christians would say that my faith couldn’t be strong if I’m admitting to this, but to them I would say, ‘Talk to me after you’ve climbed out of the pit as many times as I have’.
No, what I’m fighting is feeling like I need to be by myself with no other human beings around. Feeling like no one wants to bother with or understand my struggle so why should I bother. Yes, that’s the battle. I feel alone so I think I need to be alone. What makes this more difficult is my status as an introvert. Being alone feels like a present to me even when I shouldn’t be alone, and I have to fight extra hard to push myself out into the world.
Another thing that makes my battle with depression more difficult is feeling like I can’t talk about it. People want to try to fix me when I talk about what’s going on inside my head like they would fix someone with a physical illness. It doesn’t work that way with a mental illness though. Yes, there are medicines which I take. For me though, depression stays at the edge of my brain, even when I’m in a good place, watching, seeking, wanting to devour the things in my life that are good. When I’m feeling at my worst, it accomplishes all it has set out to do. What I need from others when I’m in this place is a chance to talk, cry, or pray, but I don’t feel like I can ask because I suffer from depression and not a physical illness.
So, this is my battle today–wanting to isolate myself from the world. Sometimes I win these battles quickly and am able to go into the world with a renewed heart. Sometimes though I have to crawl into bed and wait for a new day to come so I can fight again.
I hope this has given you a glimpse into the world of someone who fights depression. Thanks for reading!
The last few years have been a journey for me as far as my writing is concerned. I’ve started and maintained two blogs though I’m sure I could have been more consistent with my writing schedule. I’ve written and published posts about the things I’m passionate about–my faith, my family, the novels and stories I like. There are more options than there used to be for making words readable by people you don’t know. But, what I haven’t done is to put my writing in a place where it might be rejected. Yes, I know I could get negative comments on my blogs, but that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about submitting something to a publisher and having said publisher tell me that my piece is not what they’re looking for. Essentially, a rejection. I’m not sure why I haven’t done this. Wait a minute, yes I am. Who among us likes to be rejected? Don’t we want to think that anything we have to say would be valuable enough to say to an audience? If we are telling the truth, at least to ourselves, we don’t like to be rejected, and we don’t want to take the chance we will be rejected.
I’ve realized something though, and it has to do with the post I published last week about my word for 2015. For those of you who missed that post, my word for 2015 is refined. Last week, I wrote about what this word has to do with my Christian faith, but I believe it can apply to writing in general. I’m sure those of you who have written longer than I have, know this little truth, but putting it in relation to my faith has helped make it clearer to me. Submitting my writing and having it be rejected will refine me as a person. It will make me a better writer and, I believe, a better person. If writing is really my passion, I will keep going and keep submitting no matter how many rejections I might get. So, for 2015, I am going to start submitting pieces. I am going to go through the fire of rejection and come out the other side, living my passion along the way. I invite you to do the same.
I’ve read where a lot of my friends have picked a word to reflect what they want to do with the new year, how they want it to represent them. The concept intrigued me, and after some thought, I’ve come upon my own word. That word is refined.
I was refined in many ways in 2014. Ways that might be considered as bad by some people, but ways that also stretched my faith in more ways than you could possibly imagine.
God has a point in refining us though. Malachi 3:2-3 says, “But who can endure the day of His coming? And who will be able to stand when he appears? For He will be like a refiner’s fire and like cleansing lye. He will be like a refiner and purifier of silver; He will purify the sons of Levi and refine them like gold and silver. Then they will present offerings to the Lord in righteousness.”
I look at these verses and understand that being refined should be my heartfelt desire as a woman seeking to grow in her faith. And would hope that being refined would also give breath to the words I want to say. So, for 2015, this poem by Jennifer Kennedy Dean represents what I want most for my life.
“Oh, Lord, who can stand when you appear?
The splendor of Your presence near
Then knee shall bow and tongue proclaim
The pow’r of Your majestic name.
My hungry heart cries out for You.
No earthly substitute will do.
Refiner’s Fire, come near to me
For unveiled glory, let me see.
A heart like Yours, my one desire.
Do Your work, Refiner’s Fire.
Your holy Fire now burns within
And purges every secret sin.
My life the bush, Your life the Flame
That leaves me nevermore the same.
Your life in me ignites the Fire
That now fulfills my heart’s desire.
The Spirit’s work, my life made new,
Transformed within, ablaze with You.
A heart like Yours, my one desire.
Do Your work, Refiner’s Fire.”
Happy New Year!
Yes, yes, I know I haven’t been around in awhile, but rather than give a bunch of apologies, I’m just going to go right into the topic I want to cover today.
The title of this article is “The Most Important Relationship.” Each of you probably has a definition of what your most important relationship is, but for me, my most important relationship is the relationship I have with my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Even though I’ve been a confessed Christian since my teens, I used to not think like that. Church was in a line with all of the other things I needed to do, something to check off a list. And with my thoughts leaning in that direction, it didn’t take long for me to be disillusioned with the church, the people at the church, and finally, with God. I had been taught that people who called themselves Christians weren’t allowed to show faults–that once we had claimed Christ, we were perfect and nothing changed that.
Of course, it’s not true, and I know that now. But back then, when people who said they were Christians treated me badly, I didn’t know what to think. And when the bad treatment continued, I became discouraged and gave up on all of it. I turned my back on the church while still saying I had faith.
I was out of the church for many years. When we moved here, I started visiting a church and then eventually “joined their journey” as they called it. What a breath of fresh air! No longer is it that all Christians are supposed to be perfect all of the time. There has only ever been one person who was perfect–my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. And now that I know that, my study of Scripture, my relationship with God has become deeper, more meaningful to me. It truly is the most important relationship I will ever have. I also know that the people I worship with, my Christian brothers and sisters, are going to mess up, and I will mess up too. I just need to remember to ask for forgiveness.
Have a great day!
So, I am back after a one month break. It was a good break as I was able to reflect on why I write, why I enjoy putting words together. And I paid attention to the people and things around me for my inspiration. Did I get all the things done I wanted to get done? Well, no, but isn’t it usually how that works when you take a vacation?
Anyway, we are into December now which is always a very special month in our family. Between now and the first part of January, three of us have birthdays. That makes the holiday season very busy as we try and make sure each birthday person has a special day between all of the celebrations for Christmas.
But, Christmas actually celebrates a birthday too. It celebrates the birthday of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. I could go into the history of how the holiday came about, but that’s not what I want to do today. In an earlier paragraph, I said that my family tried to make the birthdays this month special for each person when it was their day. What do we actually do though when we celebrate Christmas? We buy presents for each other and for ourselves. We get into fights in such places as Wal-Mart or Target or Best Buy to get the particular item we want at a bargain price. Is that what we have turned into as a society? I could almost understand this type of behavior from people who don’t claim Christianity. But, there are those who are Christians who do the exact same thing. I think it is sad.
It is not all sad though. There are many people I know and many people I don’t know who don’t make the season of Christmas about themselves. They have the spirit of giving which is how I believe Christ would want us to celebrate His birthday. He would want us to think about others and not ourselves. He would want us to consider our relationship with Him if we claim him as Savior. These are all things I’m going to do this year as I celebrate the Advent season with my family. This year has been such a year of renewal in my own life–with bad times and good times. The one thing I know for sure though is whose I am. I am God’s daughter, and He is my Lord and Savior! I wish all of you a joyful Christmas season!
Hope everyone has a great day!
Yes, I know. Nowadays, we don’t expect to have blessings. We actually expect life to be hard with prices continually rising with no corresponding increase in income. Even Christians aren’t immune to these kind of feelings, especially with all of the stock put in some people who claim to be Christians and claim that God is waiting to bless each and all of us materially. That is not what God wants for us. God wants us to be content with what we have as stated in Philippians 4:11-13. The Apostle Paul is speaking here. “I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content in any circumstance. I have experienced times of need and times of abundance. In any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of contentment, whether I go satisfied or hungry, have plenty or nothing. I am able to do all things through the one who strengthens me.”
But, just because God wants us to be content doesn’t mean He doesn’t want to bless His children. I have had two small unexpected blessings in the last two days. Yesterday afternoon, I got a message that someone from my church needed me to contact them. Now, my first thought was, I’m ashamed to say, ‘I bet the check for the kids’ trip this weekend was lost.’ I called a little while later, and it wasn’t that at all. The person wanted to donate balloons for the balloon release I’m having this weekend for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I was so touched. There are several women in our church who have lost babies, and I wanted to organize a time of remembrance. I had been prepared to cover the cost myself, but I won’t need to now. Praise God!
The other unexpected blessing happened this morning. I was checking our power company account to see if the bill for this month had come out yet. It had, and I looked at the screen in astonishment. It was $50 lower than last month. I started cheering and dancing because a $50 decrease in a bill is always something to celebrate. My 16 year old son came in and wanted to know why I was acting so crazy. I told him, and he said, “I guess you get a pass this time. That is something to celebrate.” I thanked him, and he went back out. After he left, I thought to myself, ‘Wow, God is waiting to bless us, and sometimes through our worry, we just can’t see it.’ I vowed to myself then and there I would be more conscious about noticing the unexpected blessings in my life.
Hope everyone has a great weekend!
From Wikipedia: “Courage is the ability and willingness to confront fear, pain, danger, uncertainty, or intimidation. Physical courage is courage in the face of physical pain, hardship, death, or threat of death while moral courage is the ability to act rightly in the face of popular opposition, shame, scandal, or discouragement.”
It takes courage to do all kinds of things, but what I was thinking of today is the kind of courage it takes to start submitting your writing to places or to even put your writing out there like I’ve done with this blog. Not everyone is going to like my writing. I know that. But, if you live your life in fear, you will never know the good things that could possibly happen. I’m not going to live my life in fear. I’m going to meet every challenge God gives me standing on my feet with joy in my heart.
I especially like what these Scriptures have to say about courage.
Psalm 138:3 – “When I asked for your help, you answered my prayer and gave me courage.”
1 Corinthians 16:13 – “Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous, be strong.”
Psalm 3:3 – “But, Lord, you are my shield, my wonderful God who gives me courage.”
Matthew 14:27 – “But Jesus was quick to comfort them. “Courage, it’s me. Don’t be afraid.”
I’m looking forward to what comes from this courage. Hope everyone has a wonderful day!